How are you?

Geez. What a gauntlet of a question. This is an obvious overcomplication of what is otherwise meant to be an innocuous, even nice question to ask. Of course, this instead offends idiots like me and sends me into an existential spiral. Here we go:

“How are you?”

How am I physically? Upright and breathing, sentient and consious.

How am I financially? Don’t ask. Not for you to know.

How am I philosophically? Uncertain, of course. On my toes, as one should always be.

How am I emotionally? I’m not sure - neutral? Does that count? I don’t sit around all day and take inventory of my emotional state, whatever that even means.

How am I spiritually? Okay now I am lost. Maybe that’s my answer, just peacefully lost - Don’t need help or your religion.

How am I socially? If you count this meaningless interaction and silly question; I guess winning, as they say. Although this is an odd question to be asking as it is inherently introspective and not a social question…

I suppose based on the answers above, the most accurate translation of the colloquial “How are you?” is a mix of physical and emotional, where “good”, “fine”, and “great” all can loosely apply. Such a simple, yet profoundly difficult question that I refuse to answer unironically.

So I won’t bother holding you hostage by asking such a question, or at least if I do - I am looking for a dishonest, preferably short answer.